HOW MANY TEARS?

September, 2003

PREFACE

I have attempted to write this manuscript many times and have always stopped. Perhaps I did not want to face decisions I have reached since the September 11, 2001, events. However, after recent visits of my daughters, it is imperative that they, their spouses and their children understand the importance of the effect of September 11th on my generation and how it affects their mother.

There is a second reason this has to be written. During their last visit, I realized my daughters need a greater understanding of the September 11th events upon their lives. It appears they do not want to face the changes in our world. Often discussions are thwarted and threatening situations are dismissed as of little importance. They must understand the consequences of September 11th and how it affects their Jewish heritage, American heritage and Feminine heritage.

This is an attempt to explain thoughts, fears and emotions to my family.

September 11, 2001, started out as an exciting day. Mike and I were getting ready to meet Barbara and Jerry, (Mike's sister and brother in-law) in Las Vegas. Jerry had received this trip from his children as a gift for the 80th birthday in April and we had persuaded them to wait till September so we could join them and celebrate our anniversary on September 12th with them. This was going to be a special trip because we had never taken a trip with just the four of us. Barbara and Jerry hadn't been to Las Vegas for twenty years and we were anxious to show them the sights. We had even able to obtain the elusive tickets to see "O" at the Bellagio. Everything was falling into place.

My morning routine is to wake-up, get coffee and turn on "Good Morning America". This morning the routine was only changed by finishing my packing while drinking coffee. We were scheduled to leave Detroit at 12:00 P.M and would leave for the airport around 10:30 A.M.

Turning the television on changed everything. When the special report came on I watched in amazement. The two towers had been hit and unexplained smoke was reported in Washington D.C. We had no inkling of what was happening. The thought of terrorism never entered our minds. Mike insisted we leave immediately for the airport. He was concerned that the flights may be cancelled and he thought if we get to the airport early, we might be able to catch an earlier flight to Las Vegas.

By the time we reached the airport, the main entrances were already closed. Mike knew a back way onto the grounds and we were able to get on the grounds of the airport and park our car. When we approached the shuttle to take to the terminal, the driver told us the terminal was being evacuated and all flights were cancelled. We put the luggage back in the car and headed home.

We still had no idea of what was transpiring. I called Northwest Airlines from our car and told them we couldn't get into the terminal. The agent we talked to also had no idea of what was happening and she booked us on a flight for later in the day. I called my folks from the car and told them we were fine and on our way home. I also called my brother Richard and told him we were on the way home. He knew we were going to Las Vegas but didn't know what time we were suppose to leave. I will never forget the sound of his voice. He was so relieved that we were not on a plane. His voice had the sound of relief, bewilderment and fear. We were still in the car and oblivious to the magnitude of the events. His voice scared me and I soon learned why.

When we got home and turned to T.V. back on, the enormity of the events was starting to take shape. I called Barbara and Jerry who were already in Las Vegas. I could not explain what was occurring, but just told them to turn on the T.V. and we would talk to them later in the day.

All hell had broken loose and our lives would never to the same.

The days, weeks and immediate months following September 11th, are all a blur. I couldn't believe what had happened. I went from disbelief to anger and back to disbelief. This couldn't possibly be happening in our country. And all the time, I cried. How may tears could a person possibly shed?

During the first week after Sept 11th, there was constant coverage on television. The reaction of the American people was very interesting. People became very friendly to each other. Everything came into perspective as far as human behavior was concerned. People became very polite and kind to each other.

There were many candlelight vigils and interestingly, the one I participated in was at the supermarket. At 8:00P.M., one week after Sept. 11th , I was at Krogers when an announcement came over the loud speaker to have anyone interested, please step outside for a candlelight remembrance. It was very touching and we all cried.

Another thing that was obvious was that no one was smiling. On a trip to the mall, I was asked by a saleswoman how I was "holding up?" What a strange question from a salesperson. Yet I understood what she was asking and we both cried.

There were many activities at churches and synagogues. Everyone was looking for answers and companionship in their grief. And everyone cried. People were in mourning for the amount of lives needlessly lost. We had not reached the point of completely understanding how our lives would never be the same.

Simon and Garfunkle have written a song called "Sounds of Silence". At no
time was this more obvious than the weeks following Sept. 11th All air traffic had
been cancelled. Outside the sound of silence was deafening. There was no
sound from the sky - no airplanes.

Although I watched everything on television about Sept 11, and read an
articles, I found that I did not want to be around a lot of people. I didn't attend the
services at our Temple and I would not participate in any activities that revolved
around "understanding Muslims". I was not able to understand why there wasn't
a larger outcry from the Muslim world of this horrible event. It was not conceivable that there was any justification for the carnage. Many people I knew seemed to be more tolerant than I was but I couldn't bring myself to be magnanimous. I was too angry. It was too upsetting to be around everyone crying and I could not stop crying myself. Rosh Hashanah and Yorn Kippur services were extremely difficult, but I felt it necessary to find something that resembled our lives before the incident.

One of the by-products of the September 11th events was the tremendous showing of patriotism in the United States. Everywhere you looked, people were flying the American Flag. At one point, it was even very difficult to find a flag to purchase. All of a sudden, people were very proud to be Americans and anxious to show this. Flags were everywhere. They were on cars, homes, businesses and clothing. The September event pulled Americans from all over the country together. People wore red, white and blue clothing, lapel buttons and pins of the American Flag.

The resolve of the American people could not be squashed. Poficeman and especially fireman were regarded as heroes in our country. Mike and I needed to take a trip to Washington, D.C. to visit his Aunt Dorothy in the hospital. Driving past the Pentagon was an experience I will never forget. Seeing the gigantic hole in the side of the building was an emotional experience for us. Seeing the actual carnage instilled in us the strong emotion of being Americans and that terrorists were attempting to destroy us. It made us so angry and yet enforced our beliefs that as Americans, we would not be destroyed.

Living in Detroit, however, brought a whole quandary of problems as Americans. It is known that Detroit has the largest population of Arabs, Muslims and Chaldeans outside of the Arab world. It is documented that after the first bombing of the World Trade Center, Detroit was a haven for the bombers.

There were events planned to show that the Detroit Arab community was as upset about the events as the non-Arabs were. However, these events were few and far between. I expected a tremendous outcry denouncing the terrorists from this community but it never happened. (VVe found out approximately one year later that there was a "terrorist house" in Dearborn when maps of airports, etc. were found.) I expected the Muslim community in Dearborn to rally behind the Non-Muslim community in support of the United States, but this was sporadic. This caused a lot of friction in this area.

Unfortunately, the Chaldean community was caught in the middle. Not wanting to denounce their Arab ties, they as Christians were also in jeopardy of Islamic terrorist. The sad part of all this is that many people could not tell the difference between the Muslims and the Chaldeans.

To this day, ther:e is still resentment from the non-Arab towards the Arabs in this community. There is an uneasy peace in Detroit.

After the initial shock of the horrific events, came a whole litany of emotions. I found myself running the gambit of emotions from terrible sadness or outrageous anger. I am sure that psychologist will eventually study the reactions of the American people that were not directly involved in the events. I cannot possible be the only person to have such conflicting and startling emotions to the events.

On some days, the depression was almost overwhelming. I tried to keep it hidden, not wanting to affect the people around me. For the first six to eight months, I found myself crying at just about everything that happened. I read everything I could get my hands on and watched all programs on T.V. dealing with the tragedy. And I cried all the time.

After this period of time, I became very angry. This anger is what, perhaps, scares me the most. I have always believed that anger, being a human emotion, should be used carefully and should be short lived. Too much energy is being wasted by being angry with a person or situation for a long period of time. It is self-destructing. Now, I find that I can't abide by this rationalization any longer. am angry about 9/11 all the time and I am angry that I feel this way. My whole perception of people, events and myself has been challenged and I am angry about the conclusions that are presenting themselves.

I find that I have a totally different perception of people. I always believed that the majority of people are basically good and moral. I don't believe this anymore. I never believed that a whole group of people be it a religious faction, nationality or ethnic group, could be generalized into a category. Now, I find this belief challenged. I am angry that I find a whole group of people, Islamic Fundamentalists, hateful and amoral. The Islamic Fundamentalists want to destroy anyone that doesn't follow their religious convictions. They want to rid the world of Jews and Christians. They have vowed to kill all Americans. They view women as property. I am angry that I have become prejudiced against Muslims for not taking a stronger stance against the Fundamentalists. When I get on an airplane, I embrace racial profiling. I can't in my wildest imagination justify what this group of people did on 9/11. I resent the fact that I have to tell my daughters to be extra careful in their environment. It is not easy being an American Jewish Female. Neither one lives in a predominately Jewish area and they must realize that there are people that wish them dead only for the fact that they are Jewish. Anti-Semitism is on the increase all over the world and being fueled by groups that have ties to Islamic Fundamentalists. I am angry that I have become the person I am today.

I also hold the Islamic Fundamentalist and the terrorists that hold no sanctity for human life responsible for changing the life style that we have enjoyed for so many years. I am angry that my children, grandchildren and Mure generations will have a new way of life. From 9/11 on, they will always have a cloud of fear over them regarding terrorists. Even when enjoying a concert, or sporting event, or even shopping in a mall, there is a little nagging thought that a terrorist attack could occur. The reality of this new way of life was made clear on recent visit to the Detroit Art Museum to see the Degas exhibit. Even there, purses had to checked and security guard watched very move. As thankful as I was for this level of security, I was angry that this has become commonplace.

Many discussions are arising on how much privacy we can give up for the sake of safety. How far can the government go in keeping track of the citizens
and visitors to our country? I don't have the answers to these questions, but
have to keep in mind that if our government had been more diligent and stricter
controls on visitors, there may not have been a 9/11.

There are many questions to be answered now, but I believe this also to be annoying. There are so many problems in our country, i.e. hunger, medical needs, homeless people, and to have to take our time, energy and resources to battle terrorists, instead of these issues is a terrible use of our brains and resources. Unfortunately, many problems will now be placed on the back burner.

The conversations regarding September 11th were never ending. It seemed that even months afterwards, any discussion revolved around this topic. There were two such discussions that I will never forget. The first conversation that I will always remember occurred on our cruise to Alaska, the July following 9/11. At our dinner table was a couple from Farmington Hills, a couple from Las Vegas and a couple from England.

The conversation naturally turned to September 11th with everyone asking each other where they were and the affect on their lives. Conspicuously absent from this conversation was the couple from England. Normally they always partook of the conversation. They listened to us talk, nodded a few times, but never said a word on the topic.

I will always wonder why they never said anything. There were no questions, comments, or condolences. Having made a feeble attempt at keeping in touch with them, I will never know what their silence meant.

The second discussion was with our good friends Steve and Ilene Leff. We were driving them back to the airport after leaving a wedding in Grand Rapids. Of course the discussion of 9/11 began. Ilene made the point that the American people have the tendency to respond to emergencies but have short memories. She believed that we would revert back to our lives before Sept. 11th, and not have the resolve to continue the fight against terrorism and in doing so, would let our guard down and be vulnerable to another attack.

I disagreed with her. I believed that since the attack happened in New York, the media being so involved in the attack would never let the American people forget. I believed that the American anger was so strong that we would do whatever it took, no matter how long it took, to make our lives safe.

I now have to question whether I was right. I think that people will never forget the events of that day, however, I think that Americans again have taken the attitude that it can't happen here again. When I hear of people in Florida, especially in the Boca Raton area, vehemently arguing against the American presence in the Middle East to fight terrorism, I begin to doubt my theory. I find it incredible that people that were raised and lived in New York most of their lives could be against the governments approach to ending terrorism, I would think they would be supportive of measures that would end this threat. Maybe, they have forgotten.

The following is a quote from an article that appeared in the Jewish News, August 22, 2003. It was written by Naomi Ragan and came from her commentary regarding the bombing of the bus in Israel on August 19, 2003. Although it was specifically aimed at the terrorism in Israel, I believe that it would apply to terrorism all over the word.

"Anyone who doesn't fight terror 100 percent of the time is a collaborator in the death of victims of terror. Those of us who wish to rid the world of terror should learn from our enemies. Our opposition to Terrorism-to leaders of the free world that accommodates it, to an indifferent public that has learned to tolerate the deaths of other by it-should also know no boundaries. We are not allowed to get tired, to take time off."

I would hope that my family would agree with this quote. It is imperative that we fight terrorism, anti-Semitism, bigotry and oppression of people on any level. It is not acceptable to sit idly by accepting derogatory comments regarding any group. This feeds into the bigot's ideology making them think their moronic view of the world is acceptable and their insane violent actions is justified.

The first anniversary of the September 11th attacks on America was extremely memorable. There was a tremendous media blitz. There were many articles written in the papers and magazines. The articles and shows delved into the lives of people that had perished and into the lives of people that had survived the attacks. The tears were staring all over again.

Temple Israel had a special memorial service for the anniversary. They also had items that had been recovered from the World Trade Center on display. The service was attended by people from all over the community and was extremely moving. Everyone was crying.

It doesn't seem possible that the second anniversary is fast approaching. There are still so many unanswered questions. The government has made an effort, however terrorism still thrives. Suicide bombers are still flourishing in the world. There is no knowledge as to the whereabouts of Osama Ben Laden. We still don't know how strong Al-Ouida still is and whether another attack will soon be coming in the United States.

Another question that has never been fully answered is what happened to all the relief money that was intended for the victim's families? Many articles were written that he money had not been fully distributed, but we have never found out what happened as a result of these articles and if the families ever received the intended money.

As a result of the infiltration of the terrorists in the United States, another troubling question has surface. To what extent are Americans willing to give up rights for the sake of safety?

Our lives have been truly changed. On a recent evening at an outdoor concert, I was sitting on the lawn enjoying a terrific concert and looked around me. There were approximately three thousand people enjoying the concert with me. I realized at this point that this number of people was almost comparable to the lives that ended on September 11, 2002. Hopefully as Americans, we can find the resolve to put an end to terrorism and threats to our society.

There are many events and memorial services planned for the second anniversary. I imagine the tears will continue to flow as we remember that horrific day.